Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
