he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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