so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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