Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
