That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
