matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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