im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
