Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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