Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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