I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Are my feet made of real feet?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
