a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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