the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
