JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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