my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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