whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
