I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
