this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
