just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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