i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Where is the hickey?
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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