maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
time to smoke my breakfast
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize