I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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