Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
