my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
