i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Please, let me fuck your mom
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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