Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
