News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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