How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
