filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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