yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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