I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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