this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
