Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
