Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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