you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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