Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
