tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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