You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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