omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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