Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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