stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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