It's like God shit irony all over that family
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
