Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
