Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
