I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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