he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
