I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
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