Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
