If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
