this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
