I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
