i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize