o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
