i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
