he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
