Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
