Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
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