i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
