Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
